"Improving Hell" - bardzo aktualne opowiadanie po angielsku

Niespodzianka dla tych, którzy uczą się języka angielskiego i szukają małego wyzwania. Oto niedługie, proste opowiadanie, które wyszło spod mojego pióra, tudzież klawiatury, w roku 2007. Niestety, jest ono bardziej aktualne niż kiedykolwiek wcześniej... Tekst opatrzony jest mini-słownikiem. Zapraszam do lektury!

Zdjęcie graffiti z Melbourne, Australia (obraz STĄD - LINK)

Improving Hell

The Devil himself looked at Jack and raised his eyebrows. His long, strong tail was hitting the floor, making annoying sound of something being whipped in silence. He folded his arms on his chest; this was never a good sign. But, come to think of it, nothing the Devil did was a good sign. After all, he was evil.

to raise one's eyebrows - unosić brwi

a tail - ogon

annoying - denerwujący

to whip - biczować, smagać, chłostać

to fold one's arms on one's chest - składać ramiona na piersi

‘Look, I’m just saying you could improve a few things here. You know, to make it worse. So please, don’t pull this face at me…’

The Devil rolled his eyes and looked even scarier than usual.

‘I mean, you certainly have… people skills, let me put it that way, but you’re lacking good management here…’

The Devil moved his body weight from right foot to his left one. Looking closely, one could see a bit of smoke coming out of his ears. Of course, nobody would look closely at the Devil, so smoke remained unnoticed.

‘Like that time you let God beat you in some stupid battle… I’m absolutely sure that it was only down to a bad-’

to improve - poprawiać, ulepszać

to pull a face - stroić miny

to roll one's eyes - przewrócić oczami

certainly - zdecydowanie

body weight - ciężar ciała

to lack - nie posiadać, cierpieć na brak czegoś

to remain - pozostawać 

unnoticed - niezauważony

a battle - bitwa 

‘Enough!’ the Devil shouted, interrupting Jack. The smoke had now become a pure essence of fire. Even the Devil’s nails started sparkling red and his fangs shone more than ever.

‘Man, you really pissed the boss off,’ mumbled the demon standing behind Jack. His ugly face was right next to Jack’s and demon’s bad breath almost made Jack fall over. And, of course, there was the smell of marihuana. Jack tried it but passed out and that’s never a good idea when you’re in Hell. The next day he woke up with a headache and his trousers stolen. ‘Never, ever mention that battle to the boss. It makes him feel like a loser.’

enough - tu: wystarczy, dość

to interrupt - przerywać

to sparkle - mienić się, błyszczeć

to piss someone off - wkurzyć kogoś (przekleństwo)

to pass out - zemdleć, stracić przytomność

a headache - ból głowy

trousers - spodnie

to steal - kraść

‘Well, he did lose…’ Jack whispered, trying to refrain from breathing. Not that he had to breathe. When you’re dead you don’t have to do such things, but also, when you’re dead, you like sticking to old habits. It helped Jack to remain normal in Hell, despite the lack of traditional toilets.

‘I said enough!’

The Devil was burning brightly now, hardly visible from behind the cloud of smoke. Jack was slowly getting stoned.

‘Errr…,’ he said.

The Devil stopped and smelled the air.

to refrain - powstrzymać się od czegoś

to breathe - oddychać

a habit - przyzwyczajenie

visible - widoczny

to get stoned - (slang) upalić się marihuaną 

‘The heck with it,’ he mumbled and reached into his burning pocket, taking out something black and wrinkled. He winked, and it disappeared with a quiet “ping”. Jack felt slightly better.

‘Ok, now I am seriously angry with you, you little bastard. You have wasted my time, you have wasted my patience and now you have wasted my… latest purchase. Argoragh, take him away from me and keep him there.’

The demon grabbed Jack’s shoulder and span him around, towards the exit.

‘But-’ Jack started, but demon hushed him quickly.

‘Don’t push it, man.’

‘But-,’ Jack tried again.

‘Seriously, dude…’

‘But-’

‘Wait!’ the Devil cried suddenly. ‘Hold on… What’s your name again?’

the heck with it - grzeczniejsza wersja przekleństwa "to hell with it" 

- odpowiednik polskiego "do diabła"

wrinkled - pomarszczony

bastard - drań

to waste - marnować

patience - cierpliwość

a purchase - zakup

to grab - złapać

to spin around - obrócić

to hush somebody - uciszyć kogoś

hold on - tu: poczekaj, moment

‘Jack,’ said Jack.

‘And you were a lawyer…? Politician? Member of Big Brother House?’

‘Human Resources Manager,’ Jack answered proudly, capital letters falling heavily into their places. He used to love his job.

‘Aye. Slightly surprising, though… Only lawyers, politicians and fake celebrities manage three “buts” in a row. Why did you want to see me?’

‘I wanted to introduce to you my project of improving Hell,’ Jack knew he was being patient.

‘Improving Hell?’ the Devil raised his eyebrows once again, but this time out of curiosity. He’d always been good at facial expressions.

‘Yes. I have prepared this graph here, illustrating the new organisational order. We could all be based on the rota system…’

a lawyer - prawnik

a member - członek, uczestnik

capital letters - wielkie litery (na początku zdania/wyrazu)

slightly - trochę

fake - fałszywy

facial expressions - wyrazy twarzy (mimika)

curiosity - ciekawość 

order - porządek

‘Very interesting… We shall talk about it some other time. Now, I have an important meeting to attend. Arogargh, take Jack here back to the dungeons. I will speak to him later.’

            The Devil sighed when Jack and Arogargh left, thinking he’s getting softer these days. The little man was quite amusing, though…

            He walked to the wall and opened his wardrobe. It was hard to control his temper sometimes. Only this week he’d managed to burn six suits already and it was only Wednesday. But he couldn’t help himself, especially when people told him that God beat him. If only they knew…!

to attend - uczęszczać, być obecnym

dungeons - lochy

to sigh - wzdychać

soft - miękki

quite - całkiem

amusing - zabawny

temper - temperament

a suit - garnitur

He grabbed another set of clothes and the wardrobe door swung back. He looked at the perfect blackness of the material, and, satisfied, he transformed quickly: his tail disappeared, as if his backside sucked it in; his fangs grew smaller and fitted nicely behind his now pinkish lips; his talons shortened, losing their sharpness. The Devil, now in a human shape, put on the suit along with a tie and perfectly shiny shoes, and opened the door, hidden in the chamber’s wall. He walked into his private office, carefully closing the invisible door and sat comfortably behind his wide desk. Soon after, he heard the long-expected knock at the door.

‘Come in, please,’ he answered calmly. The door opened and a tall man, dressed in an army uniform, entered the room and decisively walked through the red carpet, stopping at the desk.

backside - tu: tyłek

to suck in - wessać

fangs - kły

to fit - pasować

pinkish - różowawy

talons - pazury

a tie - krawat

shiny - błyszczący

a chamber - komnata

long-expected - długo wyczekiwany

calmly - spokojnie

to enter - wejść

‘Mr President.’

‘General Russell.’

‘Our troops have arrived, Mr President. We will attack tomorrow.’

‘Good,’ said the Devil and smiled. ‘Thank you. You may leave now, general.’

The man was at the door when the Devil stopped him.

‘One more thing, general. Do me a favour and tell my secretary to get me some more of these.’

            The Devil opened the drawer, took out the black, wrinkled object, and threw it to the man. The general caught it and looked at it: it was a half-burnt pack of the finest imported cigars.

‘Of course, Mr President.’

‘Thank you,’ the Devil replied, watching the human leaving his oval office.

            He then thought of Jack. Improving Hell? But it was perfect!

troops - wojsko

a favour - przysługa

a drawer - szuflada

to throw - rzucać

oval office - owalny gabinet, biuro (jak w Białym Domu)